Greetings,
It's been a long while since we've used this blog, but we're back and at it again. This blog was designd to be a regularly updated companion to the Institute for Family and Child Well-Being website.
Specifically, we created this blog to allow for a more regular and continuous exchange of information and ideas about current events and happenings affecting the lives of African American children and families.
Your host for this blog is Oronde Miller, the founder and executive director of the Institute, and author of Facing the Rising Sun: Perspectives on African American Family and Child Well-Being.
We encourage you to check back frequently, share your comments, share additional resources you think people should be aware of, and share information about this resource with others.
Thanks for visiting, and we look forward to our continued conversation.
Take care!
oam
Showing posts with label african american families. Show all posts
Showing posts with label african american families. Show all posts
Tuesday, September 6, 2011
Tuesday, February 24, 2009
Best Case Scenario: Dispelling the Myth that African American Couples Are Not Capable of Raising African American Siblings
I have known for quite some time now what a blessing it is that our parents decided to adopt my biological brother and me in 1972. There is no way they could have known then that their decision to adopt us would inspire both of us to educate and encourage other black families, social workers and legislators to have their voices heard and that they can make a difference when it comes to making decisions concerning black families adopting black children. My parents are one of many black couples that have proven that this myth about there not being any black families waiting to adopt black children or that somehow black families are not qualified to adopt black children is simply untrue. Unfortunately, there are many people in key positions that could recruit and approve more black families but they choose not to. I am grateful that an educated, heterosexual, black couple that has a strong belief in God adopted me.
Today I realize that there is a certain cultural competency that parents must have to raise black children. A lot of what I learned from my parents I learned simply by observing them and watching how they reacted in certain situations. There were some situations they found themselves having to deal with simply because they were a black couple living in this country. Other lessons I learned simply by listening to the type of music my parents listen to or looking at the art work and sculptures that my parents had around the house. It has been necessary for me to draw on all of this knowledge and use those experiences as an adult. I can only imagine what the outcomes may have been in my life without having that knowledge and having had those experiences.
Another one of the reasons I am grateful to have been adopted by my parents is because they taught me what a healthy marriage looks like. My father loves my mom. I know how to treat a woman today because I have watched my mother and father interact with one another all of my life. I know that I have to respect women and treat them, as I would want my mother to be treated. I know that there is a certain amount of compromise that is necessary in order to have a successful relationship. I also know that it is healthy for a husband to be physically attracted to his wife. I know most of this because of what I observed as a child growing up in a healthy heterosexual household. I believe that our children are taught certain behavior by watching television, listening to music and playing video games. I believe that children can learn certain behavior by simply observing the environment they live in as well. I know most of what I learned as a child I learned because of what I observed, not by what I was being told.
When Oronde and I were placed for adoption by Homes for Black Children Adoption Agency in Detroit, Michigan, there was a commitment by the agency to place us together. I do not see that same commitment by other agencies today. It seems to be commonplace to separate siblings for the sake of the placement with little or no thought placed on the ramifications of that separation. The bond that siblings have with one another is so precious and in many cases it is the only bond that gives them the sense that they are not alone in this world.
Many of you may know that I was diagnosed with Hodgkin's Lymphoma on March 11, 2000. I had exhausted all of my treatment options after many cycles of chemotherapy and radiation and my doctors were getting ready to send me to a hospice. It turned out that Oronde matched all six markers needed to be my bone marrow donor and that I received his bone marrow via a stem cell transplant. The first transplant only lasted about six months so I had to do a second stem cell transplant. Today, ninety five percent of the bone marrow that my body produces is Oronde's.
I tell that story because it shows how important it was that I had been placed with my brother and given the chance to bond with him. Homes for Black Children had no way of knowing that they were saving my life by placing us together. Had they separated Oronde and I for the sake of the placement, and if I were never able to find him as an adult, then I would not be living today. This is the reality and a possible outcome for thousands of sibling groups that are being separated today. Ensuring siblings are placed together whenever possible should be one of the highest priorities for a social worker and the adoption agency.
It is also my belief that we need to make social workers more accountable to the job they do gathering a child's family history. The social worker's obligation to all of their children is to be diligent when it comes to collecting family history. They should not only gather the mother's side of the family history, but they should gather the father's side of the family history as well. This is important because an adult adoptee may start researching the medical history of their biological family or they may try to find any siblings that they may have. If there was a thorough history done by the social worker then at least this information will be in the non-identifying information file that the adult adoptee is given when they initiate this search.
It has been a blessing for me to have been adopted by my mother and father and I am forever grateful. The fact that they adopted me and Oronde together dispels the myth that an educated, heterosexual, black couple that believes in God does not exist, and if they do, that they cannot successfully raise black children.
Khari A. Miller
Raleigh, North Carolina
Khari A. Miller can be contacted via email at khari.miller@yahoo.com. You can also visit his professional consulting website at: www.askiaenterprises.com.
Today I realize that there is a certain cultural competency that parents must have to raise black children. A lot of what I learned from my parents I learned simply by observing them and watching how they reacted in certain situations. There were some situations they found themselves having to deal with simply because they were a black couple living in this country. Other lessons I learned simply by listening to the type of music my parents listen to or looking at the art work and sculptures that my parents had around the house. It has been necessary for me to draw on all of this knowledge and use those experiences as an adult. I can only imagine what the outcomes may have been in my life without having that knowledge and having had those experiences.
Another one of the reasons I am grateful to have been adopted by my parents is because they taught me what a healthy marriage looks like. My father loves my mom. I know how to treat a woman today because I have watched my mother and father interact with one another all of my life. I know that I have to respect women and treat them, as I would want my mother to be treated. I know that there is a certain amount of compromise that is necessary in order to have a successful relationship. I also know that it is healthy for a husband to be physically attracted to his wife. I know most of this because of what I observed as a child growing up in a healthy heterosexual household. I believe that our children are taught certain behavior by watching television, listening to music and playing video games. I believe that children can learn certain behavior by simply observing the environment they live in as well. I know most of what I learned as a child I learned because of what I observed, not by what I was being told.
When Oronde and I were placed for adoption by Homes for Black Children Adoption Agency in Detroit, Michigan, there was a commitment by the agency to place us together. I do not see that same commitment by other agencies today. It seems to be commonplace to separate siblings for the sake of the placement with little or no thought placed on the ramifications of that separation. The bond that siblings have with one another is so precious and in many cases it is the only bond that gives them the sense that they are not alone in this world.
Many of you may know that I was diagnosed with Hodgkin's Lymphoma on March 11, 2000. I had exhausted all of my treatment options after many cycles of chemotherapy and radiation and my doctors were getting ready to send me to a hospice. It turned out that Oronde matched all six markers needed to be my bone marrow donor and that I received his bone marrow via a stem cell transplant. The first transplant only lasted about six months so I had to do a second stem cell transplant. Today, ninety five percent of the bone marrow that my body produces is Oronde's.
I tell that story because it shows how important it was that I had been placed with my brother and given the chance to bond with him. Homes for Black Children had no way of knowing that they were saving my life by placing us together. Had they separated Oronde and I for the sake of the placement, and if I were never able to find him as an adult, then I would not be living today. This is the reality and a possible outcome for thousands of sibling groups that are being separated today. Ensuring siblings are placed together whenever possible should be one of the highest priorities for a social worker and the adoption agency.
It is also my belief that we need to make social workers more accountable to the job they do gathering a child's family history. The social worker's obligation to all of their children is to be diligent when it comes to collecting family history. They should not only gather the mother's side of the family history, but they should gather the father's side of the family history as well. This is important because an adult adoptee may start researching the medical history of their biological family or they may try to find any siblings that they may have. If there was a thorough history done by the social worker then at least this information will be in the non-identifying information file that the adult adoptee is given when they initiate this search.
It has been a blessing for me to have been adopted by my mother and father and I am forever grateful. The fact that they adopted me and Oronde together dispels the myth that an educated, heterosexual, black couple that believes in God does not exist, and if they do, that they cannot successfully raise black children.
Khari A. Miller
Raleigh, North Carolina
Khari A. Miller can be contacted via email at khari.miller@yahoo.com. You can also visit his professional consulting website at: www.askiaenterprises.com.
Friday, December 5, 2008
One Person's Testimony: Rediscovering and Reclaiming your voice during life's most difficult days
Greetings, and thank you for reading this latest issue of our ongoing analysis and commentary publication, Perspectives on Our Work.
I’ll share at the outset that writing this essay has been a very different experience for me, compared to the others I have written. This has, by far, been the most difficult essay for me to write. I hope it has even a fraction of the meaning for some of you that it has had for me while writing it.
My Testimony
In this essay, I want to reflect on some dynamics I have been experiencing, at least in a more pronounced way, for the last year or more. I am clear that some of my motive for sharing these experiences is probably selfish. I am certainly hoping that writing about these dynamics helps to free my spirit up a bit. But moreso, I hope that reading this essay will help some of you reflect on and perhaps appreciate the need for us to heal ourselves, our families, and to reach out to those individuals we know are struggling... helping to find that peace that we all seek. We are the only ones we’ve got, so we’ve got to pull it together.
Cancer
The last year has been extremely challenging for me. I have found myself at so many different extremes of life’s emotional spectrum. As many of you know my brother, Khari Miller, has been battling cancer for almost nine years. He was diagnosed with Hodgkins Lymphoma in March of 2000. He has fought valiantly and continues to fight the good fight. The cancer is still present, and continues to spread, but slow enough for Khari to keep living a life of passion, meaning and purpose. I know it’s been extremely difficult for him; and I also know it’s been difficult for others close to him, including myself.
Doctors have called Khari a walking and living miracle, precisely because of how extensively the cancer had spread throughout his body by the time he was diagnosed. The first oncologists that took his case gave him a maximum six months to live, even with the initial advanced chemotherapy and radiation treatments they were prescribing. Within the last eight years he’s been through multiple regimens of chemotherapy and radiation treatments and several experimental cancer treatments. He has also undergone two bone marrow / stem cell transplants, for which I had the honor of being the donor. I am so thankful that he is still with us, and continues to press on.
Relatively recently, I found out that two other individuals that I am close to were diagnosed with cancer. In early 2008 my father was diagnosed with early stages of prostate cancer. After several months of consultation with multiple doctors and a number of prostate cancer survivors, as well as months of careful research and consideration, my father decided to undergo a newly developed laser surgery to have the cancer removed. I am so thankful to report that the surgery was very successful. As far as we know, this was by far a best case scenario for dad and the family.
Also last spring another very close friend and colleague was diagnosed with a challenging case of breast cancer. This past summer she underwent a pair of surgeries, and now continues to undergo regular chemotherapy treatments. She is hanging in there as well, but it continues to be very challenging.
While each of these individuals is very close to my heart, it’s been difficult being completely responsive to each of them and their respective challenges with an open and prayerful heart.
Closer to Home
During this same time period my relationship with another individual, who has certainly been closest to my heart for the past almost ten years, has unraveled at the seams, seemingly at record speed. This particular experience, which really escalated last spring, has been most difficult to cope with and make sense of.
I always thought I was at peace with, or at least in control of, my emotions and reflections on my foster care and adoption experience. I can say very clearly now that this recent and still unfolding experience has evoked some of the most painful and frightening feelings of rejection and abandonment that I have ever been forced to deal with. This experience has exposed many feelings and emotions I honestly never knew existed within me. This experience has touched the core of who I am, spiritually and emotionally, and has challenged many of my assumptions about relationships, marriage and family.
During the last nine months I have experienced pretty concerning night sweats and other body temperature fluctuations, heaviest during the summer and early fall. I simultaneously lost approximately 15-20 pounds. It’s been a rough period, with many highs and lows, moments of hope and despair, as well as some periods of extreme anger, resentment and frustration. Fortunately, I can now see a light of hope and healing off in the distance, and I continue to work through this experience anxiously and prayerfully.
Why am I sharing this?
Now why am I sharing all of this, and particularly in this format? Like I said earlier I am sure some of this is selfish. Writing is a healing exercise for me. Writing is my outlet for personal reflection and expression. Just writing about some of these experiences and dynamics helps me feel better… just getting it off my chest. Acknowledging the pain is liberating.
Moreover, I grew up within the Black church tradition. A big part of that tradition is expressiveness, evidenced in the tradition of testifying. Testifying serves many different purposes. Sometimes we testify because we know what we’ve been through, and we just want to give thanks to the Creator for guiding us through it. Sometimes we testify because what we are going through still hurts, and we just need to acknowledge it so that we can work through it.
I recognize that the totality of my recent experiences has pushed me way past my old comfort zone and has forced me to deal with things that are so painful… fear of being alone, rejection, abandonment and loss; a rigidity in my core values and sensibilities; and very sharp perspectives on the importance of family, relationships and marriage. I wanted to reflect openly on at least some of this, so that maybe even just one other person can benefit from my experience and perhaps find a more peaceful and healing space to live in. This is exactly what I am trying to do right now.
Being Open to Possibilities
For much of my adult life I have frowned on the typical American approach toward therapy and counseling in this “not well” society of ours. I always frowned on it as being culturally out of sync and detached. For the most part I still fundamentally believe that is true about the field. In the last several months, however, I have actually opened myself up to the possible benefits of seeing a counselor. It’s been a productive experience so far. I was afraid for the longest time because all of the people that I knew (among my peers) that had undergone marriage counseling had ended up in a personal space and place that I was afraid of being in. But I was desperate to talk with someone and wanted affirmation that I wasn’t going crazy in my reactions to some of the dynamics I was struggling to make sense of.
I’m still very much in the midst of it, but I want to acknowledge that I was a little off base in my assessment. Counseling is certainly not the answer to the problems we face, but it can be a powerful resource and process for helping us make sense of what we are experiencing. Indeed I still believe the counselor needs to be culturally in sync with you, but if that is the case it can be a powerful experience. It has been and continues to be for me. It really has helped me make sense of my current circumstances, and it has also pushed me to work on and work through some understandable yet still unhealthy aspects of my personality.
I have also come to appreciate some other things as of late. The first is the important reminder that I have been and continue to be blessed beyond measure… “blessed and highly favored” as we tend to say.
I have certainly been directly affected by the experiences of my close friends and family members battling cancer. I am also clear that I am not the one that has to endure the difficult physical challenges presented by surgery, chemotherapy and radiation. Sure it hurts personally to see loved ones struggling against illnesses as serious as these, but the battle they experience is very different. When it’s all said and done, however, all of us share a mutual responsibility to be a support and healing resource for one another along this journey. And let’s be clear that we cannot help others if we are not at least half-way well ourselves. Compassion, with a deep appreciation of the challenges, pain and suffering of other people, can help free us up to experience our own healing. But we have to be present enough to focus on others and not just our own challenges, pain and suffering.
In talking with some of my closest friends I have come to appreciate that when we are struggling through depression or some other life challenges, we are not the only ones affected. As I have tried to work through these challenges in recent months, I have hurt others that are close to me. My style is to retreat and close myself off to others when things get hard. I can even lash out at others that try to get close enough to help. That only creates more pain and hurt for the very people that are closest to us and care about us. It also disconnects us from the real healing work and relationships we have been put in this world to nurture and develop. I am more clear now that the only way we can get through some of our “stuff” is to deal with it straight up and out in the open. To work through it with the very people that are closest to us and care most about us is critical.
What does this all mean?
Now let me tie this together in some kind of coherent way. As I mentioned, writing this essay has been a bit more challenging for me than usual. I also realize that what I am sharing in this essay accounts for why I haven’t even written an essay in over a year. It explains why I have only half-heartedly pursued those relationships, ideas, activities and life goals that are most fulfilling for me. It explains why I haven’t given more of myself to the individuals closest to me.
This, brothers and sisters, isn’t truly living. Unfortunately, however, this is the way many of us walk along life’s path. No longer will this be my story. I appreciate now, more than ever, that my children deserve to see their father live life with the passion, enthusiasm, courage, and determination that the Creator has blessed me with. I have to be the example they came into this world to learn from. I have my family and my closest friends to thank for helping me realize and appreciate this.
Deep depression and the pain and stress of dealing with life’s profound challenges can be paralyzing if we aren’t careful. That has been my reality for the last year directly, and for a number of years more generally. I am clear about it now, however. I hope some of these reflections will help me, as well as some of you, or others you are close to, think more reflectively about how to respond to these kinds of life dynamics.
African American Men and Fathers
I don’t know many (or any) African American men that are fully open and honest about their feelings, fears insecurities and personal struggles. I have seen too many of us suffer as a result. I have seen both directly and indirectly the painful and costly impact of suicide, unnatural disease, premature death, depression, rage, anger and frustration on our families and our community. Contrary to popular perceptions presented in the media or in the “professional literature,” I believe so much of this comes not from a lack of care, concern, compassion and love for our families and community, but precisely an inability to show that care, concern, compassion and love in ways that feel welcomed and affirming.
I would like to add my voice to the chorus of African American men and women, past and present, that have cried out for African American men to wake up and reconnect with who we truly are. We have a lot to say, a lot of stories to tell, and a lot of work to do. We have to find healthy and consistent strategies for opening up and giving of ourselves... ways that may be different from what we are used to but still productive, even when painful in the moment. I can tell you, though, that we can get through it. We have to get through it. Our families and communities are depending on us. We must to do better. I know firsthand, as do many of you, what some of the challenges are. I also know firsthand, as do many of you, what some of the possibilities are. African American fathers, husbands, brothers, sons, cousins, uncles and grandfathers we have to get it together.
African American mothers, wives, sisters, daughters, cousins, aunts and grandmothers please find ways to open up the space and place in your hearts for African American men to be what is healthy and natural and necessary. Those of you who are able, teach other young girls and ladies how to do the same. We must continue to learn with and from one another. We are complimentary, and can only do this together. Indeed, there are some relationships that might not work in the immediate sense, but we must still be respectful, loving and compassionate as we create a healthy, life affirming and healing space within which we can interact… and our children can develop.
Our Charge
We have to want a healthy and whole community as badly as our ancestors did. Indeed, we’ve got a lot of work to do. But we can do it, and we can do it in our lifetime. From this moment forward, I ask that you also reflect on what it means to be well, to be present and to be compassionate. Develop strategies in your own life to make this a reality. Reclaim your voice as you continue to walk along life’s path. Speak with courage and conviction, and most importantly through your conduct and your example.
We are our only saviors. We are the legacy of our ancestors. We are the examples for our children. We are the hope of our future generations… our children yet unborn. It’s healing time!
Oronde A. Miller
Executive Director and Founder
Institute for Family and Child Well-Being
The author of this essay, Oronde A. Miller, is the founder and executive director of The Institute for Family and Child Well-Being. Please share any comments and reflections via email at omiller@ifcwb.org.
I’ll share at the outset that writing this essay has been a very different experience for me, compared to the others I have written. This has, by far, been the most difficult essay for me to write. I hope it has even a fraction of the meaning for some of you that it has had for me while writing it.
My Testimony
In this essay, I want to reflect on some dynamics I have been experiencing, at least in a more pronounced way, for the last year or more. I am clear that some of my motive for sharing these experiences is probably selfish. I am certainly hoping that writing about these dynamics helps to free my spirit up a bit. But moreso, I hope that reading this essay will help some of you reflect on and perhaps appreciate the need for us to heal ourselves, our families, and to reach out to those individuals we know are struggling... helping to find that peace that we all seek. We are the only ones we’ve got, so we’ve got to pull it together.
Cancer
The last year has been extremely challenging for me. I have found myself at so many different extremes of life’s emotional spectrum. As many of you know my brother, Khari Miller, has been battling cancer for almost nine years. He was diagnosed with Hodgkins Lymphoma in March of 2000. He has fought valiantly and continues to fight the good fight. The cancer is still present, and continues to spread, but slow enough for Khari to keep living a life of passion, meaning and purpose. I know it’s been extremely difficult for him; and I also know it’s been difficult for others close to him, including myself.
Doctors have called Khari a walking and living miracle, precisely because of how extensively the cancer had spread throughout his body by the time he was diagnosed. The first oncologists that took his case gave him a maximum six months to live, even with the initial advanced chemotherapy and radiation treatments they were prescribing. Within the last eight years he’s been through multiple regimens of chemotherapy and radiation treatments and several experimental cancer treatments. He has also undergone two bone marrow / stem cell transplants, for which I had the honor of being the donor. I am so thankful that he is still with us, and continues to press on.
Relatively recently, I found out that two other individuals that I am close to were diagnosed with cancer. In early 2008 my father was diagnosed with early stages of prostate cancer. After several months of consultation with multiple doctors and a number of prostate cancer survivors, as well as months of careful research and consideration, my father decided to undergo a newly developed laser surgery to have the cancer removed. I am so thankful to report that the surgery was very successful. As far as we know, this was by far a best case scenario for dad and the family.
Also last spring another very close friend and colleague was diagnosed with a challenging case of breast cancer. This past summer she underwent a pair of surgeries, and now continues to undergo regular chemotherapy treatments. She is hanging in there as well, but it continues to be very challenging.
While each of these individuals is very close to my heart, it’s been difficult being completely responsive to each of them and their respective challenges with an open and prayerful heart.
Closer to Home
During this same time period my relationship with another individual, who has certainly been closest to my heart for the past almost ten years, has unraveled at the seams, seemingly at record speed. This particular experience, which really escalated last spring, has been most difficult to cope with and make sense of.
I always thought I was at peace with, or at least in control of, my emotions and reflections on my foster care and adoption experience. I can say very clearly now that this recent and still unfolding experience has evoked some of the most painful and frightening feelings of rejection and abandonment that I have ever been forced to deal with. This experience has exposed many feelings and emotions I honestly never knew existed within me. This experience has touched the core of who I am, spiritually and emotionally, and has challenged many of my assumptions about relationships, marriage and family.
During the last nine months I have experienced pretty concerning night sweats and other body temperature fluctuations, heaviest during the summer and early fall. I simultaneously lost approximately 15-20 pounds. It’s been a rough period, with many highs and lows, moments of hope and despair, as well as some periods of extreme anger, resentment and frustration. Fortunately, I can now see a light of hope and healing off in the distance, and I continue to work through this experience anxiously and prayerfully.
Why am I sharing this?
Now why am I sharing all of this, and particularly in this format? Like I said earlier I am sure some of this is selfish. Writing is a healing exercise for me. Writing is my outlet for personal reflection and expression. Just writing about some of these experiences and dynamics helps me feel better… just getting it off my chest. Acknowledging the pain is liberating.
Moreover, I grew up within the Black church tradition. A big part of that tradition is expressiveness, evidenced in the tradition of testifying. Testifying serves many different purposes. Sometimes we testify because we know what we’ve been through, and we just want to give thanks to the Creator for guiding us through it. Sometimes we testify because what we are going through still hurts, and we just need to acknowledge it so that we can work through it.
I recognize that the totality of my recent experiences has pushed me way past my old comfort zone and has forced me to deal with things that are so painful… fear of being alone, rejection, abandonment and loss; a rigidity in my core values and sensibilities; and very sharp perspectives on the importance of family, relationships and marriage. I wanted to reflect openly on at least some of this, so that maybe even just one other person can benefit from my experience and perhaps find a more peaceful and healing space to live in. This is exactly what I am trying to do right now.
Being Open to Possibilities
For much of my adult life I have frowned on the typical American approach toward therapy and counseling in this “not well” society of ours. I always frowned on it as being culturally out of sync and detached. For the most part I still fundamentally believe that is true about the field. In the last several months, however, I have actually opened myself up to the possible benefits of seeing a counselor. It’s been a productive experience so far. I was afraid for the longest time because all of the people that I knew (among my peers) that had undergone marriage counseling had ended up in a personal space and place that I was afraid of being in. But I was desperate to talk with someone and wanted affirmation that I wasn’t going crazy in my reactions to some of the dynamics I was struggling to make sense of.
I’m still very much in the midst of it, but I want to acknowledge that I was a little off base in my assessment. Counseling is certainly not the answer to the problems we face, but it can be a powerful resource and process for helping us make sense of what we are experiencing. Indeed I still believe the counselor needs to be culturally in sync with you, but if that is the case it can be a powerful experience. It has been and continues to be for me. It really has helped me make sense of my current circumstances, and it has also pushed me to work on and work through some understandable yet still unhealthy aspects of my personality.
I have also come to appreciate some other things as of late. The first is the important reminder that I have been and continue to be blessed beyond measure… “blessed and highly favored” as we tend to say.
I have certainly been directly affected by the experiences of my close friends and family members battling cancer. I am also clear that I am not the one that has to endure the difficult physical challenges presented by surgery, chemotherapy and radiation. Sure it hurts personally to see loved ones struggling against illnesses as serious as these, but the battle they experience is very different. When it’s all said and done, however, all of us share a mutual responsibility to be a support and healing resource for one another along this journey. And let’s be clear that we cannot help others if we are not at least half-way well ourselves. Compassion, with a deep appreciation of the challenges, pain and suffering of other people, can help free us up to experience our own healing. But we have to be present enough to focus on others and not just our own challenges, pain and suffering.
In talking with some of my closest friends I have come to appreciate that when we are struggling through depression or some other life challenges, we are not the only ones affected. As I have tried to work through these challenges in recent months, I have hurt others that are close to me. My style is to retreat and close myself off to others when things get hard. I can even lash out at others that try to get close enough to help. That only creates more pain and hurt for the very people that are closest to us and care about us. It also disconnects us from the real healing work and relationships we have been put in this world to nurture and develop. I am more clear now that the only way we can get through some of our “stuff” is to deal with it straight up and out in the open. To work through it with the very people that are closest to us and care most about us is critical.
What does this all mean?
Now let me tie this together in some kind of coherent way. As I mentioned, writing this essay has been a bit more challenging for me than usual. I also realize that what I am sharing in this essay accounts for why I haven’t even written an essay in over a year. It explains why I have only half-heartedly pursued those relationships, ideas, activities and life goals that are most fulfilling for me. It explains why I haven’t given more of myself to the individuals closest to me.
This, brothers and sisters, isn’t truly living. Unfortunately, however, this is the way many of us walk along life’s path. No longer will this be my story. I appreciate now, more than ever, that my children deserve to see their father live life with the passion, enthusiasm, courage, and determination that the Creator has blessed me with. I have to be the example they came into this world to learn from. I have my family and my closest friends to thank for helping me realize and appreciate this.
Deep depression and the pain and stress of dealing with life’s profound challenges can be paralyzing if we aren’t careful. That has been my reality for the last year directly, and for a number of years more generally. I am clear about it now, however. I hope some of these reflections will help me, as well as some of you, or others you are close to, think more reflectively about how to respond to these kinds of life dynamics.
African American Men and Fathers
I don’t know many (or any) African American men that are fully open and honest about their feelings, fears insecurities and personal struggles. I have seen too many of us suffer as a result. I have seen both directly and indirectly the painful and costly impact of suicide, unnatural disease, premature death, depression, rage, anger and frustration on our families and our community. Contrary to popular perceptions presented in the media or in the “professional literature,” I believe so much of this comes not from a lack of care, concern, compassion and love for our families and community, but precisely an inability to show that care, concern, compassion and love in ways that feel welcomed and affirming.
I would like to add my voice to the chorus of African American men and women, past and present, that have cried out for African American men to wake up and reconnect with who we truly are. We have a lot to say, a lot of stories to tell, and a lot of work to do. We have to find healthy and consistent strategies for opening up and giving of ourselves... ways that may be different from what we are used to but still productive, even when painful in the moment. I can tell you, though, that we can get through it. We have to get through it. Our families and communities are depending on us. We must to do better. I know firsthand, as do many of you, what some of the challenges are. I also know firsthand, as do many of you, what some of the possibilities are. African American fathers, husbands, brothers, sons, cousins, uncles and grandfathers we have to get it together.
African American mothers, wives, sisters, daughters, cousins, aunts and grandmothers please find ways to open up the space and place in your hearts for African American men to be what is healthy and natural and necessary. Those of you who are able, teach other young girls and ladies how to do the same. We must continue to learn with and from one another. We are complimentary, and can only do this together. Indeed, there are some relationships that might not work in the immediate sense, but we must still be respectful, loving and compassionate as we create a healthy, life affirming and healing space within which we can interact… and our children can develop.
Our Charge
We have to want a healthy and whole community as badly as our ancestors did. Indeed, we’ve got a lot of work to do. But we can do it, and we can do it in our lifetime. From this moment forward, I ask that you also reflect on what it means to be well, to be present and to be compassionate. Develop strategies in your own life to make this a reality. Reclaim your voice as you continue to walk along life’s path. Speak with courage and conviction, and most importantly through your conduct and your example.
We are our only saviors. We are the legacy of our ancestors. We are the examples for our children. We are the hope of our future generations… our children yet unborn. It’s healing time!
Oronde A. Miller
Executive Director and Founder
Institute for Family and Child Well-Being
The author of this essay, Oronde A. Miller, is the founder and executive director of The Institute for Family and Child Well-Being. Please share any comments and reflections via email at omiller@ifcwb.org.
Tuesday, July 31, 2007
GAO Report: African American children over-represented in foster care!
The United States Government Accountability Office (GAO) released a much-anticipated and historic report yesterday focusing on the over-representation of African American children in this nation's foster care system. The 87-page report, requested by US House Ways and Means Committee Chairman Charles B. Rangel, is entitled African American Children in Foster Care: Additional HHS Assistance Needed to Help States Reduce the Proportion in Care.
The GAO report identifies the major factors believed to contribute to the over-representation of African American children in foster care, highlights efforts underway by public child welfare agencies around the country to address these dynamics and provides a set or recommendations for federal officials to consider and implement.
Visit IFCWB online now to read report.
The following text is taken from the first section of the report:
"A higher rate of poverty is among several factors contributing to the higher proportion of African American children entering and remaining in foster care. Families living in poverty have greater difficulty accessing housing, mental health, and other services needed to keep families stable and children safely at home. Bias or cultural misunderstandings and distrust between child welfare decision makers and the families they serve are also viewed as contributing to children's removal from their homes into foster care. African American children also stay in foster care longer because of difficulties in recruiting adoptive parents and a greater reliance on relatives to provide foster care who may be unwilling to terminate the parental rights of the child's parent--as required in adoption--or who need the financial subsidy they receive while the child is in foster care." (page 2)
You can also visit the following sites for additional information about this historic report...
Visit the United States Government Accountability Office directly for a report abstract and more background information.
Visit the US House Ways and Means Committee website for Congressman Charles Rangel's press release.
Read the report and join the discussion today!
(Click "comments" button just below.)
The GAO report identifies the major factors believed to contribute to the over-representation of African American children in foster care, highlights efforts underway by public child welfare agencies around the country to address these dynamics and provides a set or recommendations for federal officials to consider and implement.
Visit IFCWB online now to read report.
The following text is taken from the first section of the report:
"A higher rate of poverty is among several factors contributing to the higher proportion of African American children entering and remaining in foster care. Families living in poverty have greater difficulty accessing housing, mental health, and other services needed to keep families stable and children safely at home. Bias or cultural misunderstandings and distrust between child welfare decision makers and the families they serve are also viewed as contributing to children's removal from their homes into foster care. African American children also stay in foster care longer because of difficulties in recruiting adoptive parents and a greater reliance on relatives to provide foster care who may be unwilling to terminate the parental rights of the child's parent--as required in adoption--or who need the financial subsidy they receive while the child is in foster care." (page 2)
You can also visit the following sites for additional information about this historic report...
Visit the United States Government Accountability Office directly for a report abstract and more background information.
Visit the US House Ways and Means Committee website for Congressman Charles Rangel's press release.
Read the report and join the discussion today!
(Click "comments" button just below.)
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